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The rule that governs football autobiographies is: the lesser know
the author, the better the book. If you spent your career kicking
around in the lower divisions, you have to make it a bit spicy to
sell. Stan Ternent’s book is no exception, including no end of
quotable one liners and anecdotes with a sprinkling of Billy Davies
style self-congratulation along the way. Unfortunately it ends in
December 2002 so we’ll never know how he ended
up at Derby or how he ever patched things up with Paul Jewell after
giving him a pummelling in the dugout during a Bradford v. Bury game
(see Derventio Journals - February 28th). Here are some of the
highlights:
 People
not on Stan’s Christmas Card list
Ex-Bradford
chairman Stan Tordoff. Stan’s bumps into him 8 years after being
sacked: “Tordoff emerged and tried to shake hands with me. I told
him straight: “Fuck Off” "
On Peter
Taylor patronisingly consoling him after Gillingham had beaten
Burnely: “[it]…almost caused me to knock him clean out…Who did he
think he was talking to? Some retard from the Beazer Homes League?
I’d performed two footed tackles on Graeme Souness when he was still
wetting the bed”
After Effe
Sodje overacted to get a Burnley player sent off and bragged about
it after the match: “Sodje performed a triple salco with full
pike…and rolled around like he was trying to put out a fire up his
arse. After hearing that Sodje was bragging,
I hurtled off the coach to confront him”.
General Acts of Aggression and Violence
As Bury
Manager a Doncaster fan offers him a fag: “As I reached for the tab,
he yanked it away and flicked a V-sign at me…I jumped over the
advertising hoarding and set on him”
Stan is on
crutches and getting a lift from his son. Another driver cuts them
up. Stan orders his son to chase him until the two cars are going
90 mph side by side on the M66: “The pillock in the other car got
the fright of his life as I thrust [the crutch] outside and began
bashing it against
his window in a high-speed joust…I shouted…”Get…the
fuck…out…of…our…way…in…future”
At half-time
during a tense Sheffield United v. Burnley match, Kevin Blackwell
(then Assistant Manager at United) offends stand: “I ran up, smacked
him in the face and nutted him for good measure, banging him hard.
He hit me back and my nose ruptured”.
Bemoaning Bury’s lack of support
Bury were
playing Watford away to gain promotion: “I was pleasantly surprised
to see 1,500 had travelled down from Bury…one-third of our normal
home crowd. Glory- grabbers? I preferred to regard it as a new
dawn”.
On Bury’s
open topped bus victory parade after gaining promotion: “As we urged
our underwhelmed driver to trawl the deserted streets in search
of supporters, people washing their cars in bright sunshine looked
up to see a squad of 18 men frantically giving them the thumbs up,
desperate to be acknowledged by anyone”
 Stan
being politically incorrect
Bury are
minutes away from promotion when there’s a handball shout against
Bury: “I glanced along the touchline to the linesman. Except it was
a lineswoman. Keep your flag down, love, keep your flag down”
the penalty is given “”Oi!...While you’re here knackering our
chances, who’s cooking your husband’s tea?”
Stan gets
emotional after promotion: “If any of the players returned and
caught me blubbing, I’d have had to fine myself for being a poof”
Stan slating miscellaneous fans
After
Sheffield United end Burnley’s play-off hopes: “Fifteen thousand of
their fans laughed and cheered. ‘Piss Off Stan see you here next
year eh?’ Under-achievers mocking their betters. How Pathetic”
Plenty about
Bury but summed up by “I have never fought so hard to be accepted by
my own team’s supporters, and their bitterness soured our
relationship”
And finally
my favourite stat to be quoted liberally in the future from when
Stan is assistant at Chelsea: “ A 1-1 home draw against Southampton
in February attracted a paltry crowd of 7,148”
Above are
just a few selections from the book and not necessarily the best
bits- there’s loads more where that came from.
Stan The
Man – A Hard Life In Football
Stan
Ternent with Tony Livesy
2004 John
Blake Publishing |
